There we were, sitting in my car, two 18 year olds, on a stale gray day in North Dakota. We had been very close friends for two years, and we’d gotten to the point where we were exasperated with one another and it was either stay or go. After teetering on the edge of “best friends” and “boyfriend/girlfriend” for two years, it was time to make a decision.
I took a puff of my cigarette (yeah…I’ve done some drinkin’….some druggin’….) and asked him…
“Do you even love me?”
He looked off into the distance and the moments waiting for his answer took all the air out of the room. My palms were sweaty, my heart was pounding, and my throat was so tight I could barely swallow.
He turned and looked me straight in the eyes and said, “No.” His answer was so firm I almost believed him.
All I could say was, “Ok.” I felt the tears welling up behind my eyes and a rush of emotion to my heart. I asked him to leave.
After seeing each other every day for the past two years, we went our separate ways. For a month I thought about him every day…it was like I was mourning the loss of this great friendship. I thought about contacting him, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I had already been in that place before; of begging for someone’s love and affection.
Once, I found myself literally begging for someone to not break up with me. I was completely infatuated with him and I envisioned us getting married, having kids, and living happily ever after. He just stood there like a statue and left. We haven’t seen each other since.
Another time, I found myself trying to be in a relationship with someone else. We’d been seeing each other off and on, and I don’t even remember how it got to this point but one night I must’ve called him about 50 times with no response. It drove me CRAZY. All I wanted him to do was pick up the damn phone and just BE with me. Obviously….he did not…and I got over it.
I was like a constricting Snake, gripping onto its pray, squeezing tighter and tighter, and not letting go until there’s no more heartbeat and it’s dead, dead, dead.
That got me nowhere.
Finally, I decided I was tired. Tired of being rejected and feeling abandoned. Tired of being alone, but even more tired of all the energy I was putting into finding a man.
I was done. Done trying to make someone love me.
I knew that I was going to have to LOVE MYSELF. No one was going to be able to fill that hole in my heart except me.
I prepared to be single for the REST OF MY LIFE. I accepted that that was just how it was going to be. I told the Universe that I wasn’t against being in a relationship, but if I couldn’t be with someone that was right for me, I would rather just be alone, and left it at that.
This decision forced me to shift my focus in life. I had to find out how to make myself be happy on my own.
I wasn’t going to try to make him love me…I had to let go.
I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I started doing Yoga regularly, reading and writing more often, and I began to feel a sense of true peace and transcendence.
One day, about a month after we hadn’t spoken to each other, I was sitting at home by myself. I saw something on TV that made me think of him. All of a sudden, I just missed him so much. I missed his company. I missed sharing things with him.
We saw the world in such a similar way that there were certain things I could tell him that I wouldn’t tell anybody else. He got me in a way that no one else got me.
It almost felt like an out of body experience as I watched myself pick up my phone and text him, “I miss you.” I didn’t care what would happen, I just felt like my heart would implode if I didn’t say that.
My heart swelled with joy and I was overcome with emotion when he messaged me back, “I miss you too!!!”
We set up a time to hang out, and began slowly rebuilding our relationship. I later found out that right at the very moment I texted him, he was sulking around listening to music that reminded him of me, which goes to show that my man is a bad ass wizard.
Fast forward to today; we’re married, have two (amazing and crazy) daughters. We’ve moved across the country several times and have learned a lot about ourselves. We’ve gone through our own spiritual awakenings, and our lives are not defined by each other.
We give each other FREEDOM.
We accept each other fully for who we are. We support each other through our own individuality. We stand on our own two feet; we don’t depend on each other. We take care of ourselves, and cooperate with each other to parent our daughters and create a life together that is mutually satisfying.
Sometimes we miscommunicate and get on different pages. We always find a way to clear the air and get back on the same page.
I’m not saying that this is how it has to go, or how it will go for everyone who is in a loving relationship, because people have different definitions of what it means to be in a happy relationship. For me, I had to learn to let go and not have any expectations. I also had to accept loss, which meant not having the fear of losing someone because I knew that I would always still be myself.
Being friends first is what worked for me.
It worked because we got to know each other as PEOPLE before we decided to commit to being in a relationship. That way we didn’t define each other through our relationship. I see him as a whole person, not just my man or the father of my daughters. He is a man who stands on his own two feet and happens to be my husband.
There are many other aspects to both of our personalities than just having each other in our lives.
That is what makes our relationship so powerful.
There’s no fear attached to our relationship. Our lives are enhanced by being with each other, but if we didn’t have each other we would still be happy on our own.
So, if you are in that place of yearning to be in a deeply meaningful, loving relationship, or are even in a relationship but it’s not going the way you’d hoped…
Remember that you are your own best friend.
The Deeper you love yourself,
The Deeper you can share true Love with another.
Nora Wallace is a Tarot Reader and Shamanic Practitioner who offers magical life-changing guidance and support for those going through radical life transitions.
To get guidance and support to go deeper into an intimate relationship with yourself and attract the kind of relationship you want to be in, email firstname.lastname@example.org to schedule a free 30-minute exploratory call.